God is Smiling Down on Me

We all hear the saying "God won't give you anything you can't handle". I remember thinking that when I was in the ultrasound room at 20weeks pregnant with my second child.

I grew up in Kenya, East Africa. I have two brothers, and I am the middle child. Growing up I never wanted a sister. In fact, I never wanted a sister until a few years ago when I thought it would be nice to have someone other than my mom to discuss mom things. Growing up I was a tomboy. I loved playing the games that they other boys played, I loved being able to try to keep up with my brothers. I never wanted to be a boy, but I have always enjoyed hanging out with guys over girls. I think it was because I loved my brothers a lot. I think we, for the most part, got along pretty well.

 

Me and my brother

                                                      Missionary kid relay races

Me and my brother

 

 

                       mowing the lawn with my brother being weird in the background

My brothers and me at Disney World

         About to go on a hike behind our backyard (there was a huge forest behind our house)

 

I remember when I was first pregnant that I wanted a boy. I practically begged God for a boy. I remember thinking I had proabably said it outloud too much and I began to think people might start thinking differently about me because I wanted a boy so bad. When I had that 20 week ultrasound and they told me it was a boy, I asked them how sure they were. The guy then proceded to show me why he was positive it was a boy. I remember crying because I was so relieved it was a boy. We had actually already picked out his name.

Then came baby number two. This is when we decided that God knew I needed something in my life to fix me. Let me explain. I am not broken, well I guess it depends on who you ask. I have struggled with my body image my entire life. Growing up as a missionary kid and being a middle child, you don't get the updated "fashion" of that time period. I missed the 80's completely and I pretty much had my own "style" not what I chose, but what was bought for me. You see we went shopping every 2 years for the next 2 years, so if it didn't fit, well- we still wore it. It wasn't that we were poor. At that time, Kenya did not have a lot to offer and my parents we never big on fashion.


I have always wanted to be skinnier than I was. I think the only time I was actually happy with my weight was when I did the Olympic Triathlon while I was coaching 3 different volleyball teams and about to get married.

Most of my depression comes from the fact that I am not happy with the way I look. My brain tells me that its not what on the outside that counts, but the inside. My eyes tell me differently and society tells me differently. I have never been extremely overweight, but I have struggled with my weight. Especially since having kids. I have never been sure of myself. The only things that I am fully confident in is swimming and that there is a God. Everything esle- I pretty much worry about.

So...here it is. Here is the reason why I did not want a girl. It wasn't because I don't like girls, it wasn't because I don't generally like pink, it is because I was thinking if I am not happy with myself and who I am, how am I supposed to raise a daughter who has self-worth, who is happy with who she is no matter what, who doesn't care what people think (to a certain extent), who knows God loves her no matter what.

When we did the ultrasound for our second child and the person told me it was a girl. I remember crying, not because I was happy, but because I thought "this is where people think- God won't give me anything I can't handle.

I love my son dearly. He has been a challenge, but God gave him to me at just the right time.

When I look back, I see that my first pregnancy was easy. I was sick, but I got over it, I worked on the second floor and I took the stairs everyday until my contractions started (I was at work the day I gave birth). I was in extreme labor pains, but then I got the miracle drug- the epidural. I remember people telling me that I didn't really look pregnant until I hit 7 months.

Then came pregnancy #2

First- I have always thought that God has given me the gift of experiencing many different angles of situations so that hopefully I can empathize with others. For example- I flunked a grade, but I also skipped a grade. I have been a benchwarmer in games and I have been on the starting 5. I have been to public, private, international, and homeschool. I don't feel like it has been any different with having children.

  I strongly believe that God blessed me with all the aches and pains you recieve with pregnancy. He gave me the chance to feel what heartburn was like, what it was like to not be able to go up and down stairs because you are so out of breath, He gave me the chance to feel nausea for 21 weeks and then again at the end. He gave me the chance to actually have a doctor tell me to watch my weight and then the very next week another doctor to say- don't worry! He gave me the chance to feel my water break. He gave me the chance to know what it is like to not be able to care for your toddler because you just don't have it in you, so you let them watch TV all day. He gave me the chance to get an epidural and it not work (even after the 3rd try), so I got to experience true natural labor. He gave me the chance to see what it was like to have a colicky baby, to have a baby that never slept through the night until after a year old. A baby who was dairy sensitive (so I had to go on a dairy free diet). A chance to feel absolutely exhausted and just done. There were several days that I didn't even have the energy to cry. He gave me the chance to be in a situation where one child is screaming and another child is behaving badly in a public situation.

Right after she was born

 

 

                                                                  My little chunk

 

Danica was born- I tear up even now as I think of this wonderful miracle. Now I am not sentimental, but that is just one of the many things I have learned from having a daughter. My miracle was that God gave me Danica. He gave me to be her mother. He knows my weaknesses and what I struggle with. Danica is vocal, out going (just starting to be), loves her family, smiles, waves at people, loves to give hugs and kisses. She is just the cutest to me. She loves to cuddle and just sit in your lap sometimes.

I don't know what God has planned for me, but I do know that God is smiling down on me because he knows what I struggle with and for the most part I have been able to hide it. Some times I feel he is laughing because He is giving me a chance to face my fears. Now that I have a daughter I have to work on it and constantly rely on him to give me advice on how to raise a daughter. Now I am forced to look at myself and work on the inside. I am forced to find out what my faith is and not what my parents faith is. I guess you could say- I finally have to grow up. I am forced to face my problem head on because in a year I won't be able to be depressed because I don't like the way I look. I will have two little eyes watching my every move. I am thankful that God has given me the opportunity to face my downside. I know this has affected my friendships, my family, and my ability to enjoy life and its time to face it!

    O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.   

    You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.      

   You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

    Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.   

    You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.   

    Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.  

   Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?   

   If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.   

   If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,   

   even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 

   If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"   

   even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.  

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb   

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.      

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you...Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.   See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting